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Poems by By Kathy Egan


You can tell her you saw me

That simple phrase
bolded
italicized
super-sized
Nobel Prized
reverberates in the air

like the ozone afterglow of a lightning bolt
or the dying wh-a-a-ng of the steel guitar
in a maudlin country song

She hopes Pappy wasn't confabulating
fabricating
exaggerating
equivocating
the words her estranged son uttered
while a customer at "Pappy's Peanut Stand"
(everyone knows 'Pappy's Nuts')

the burial shroud around her heart
loosens and constricts
as rising expectations clash with
bitter memories
of hope splattered on the pavement
like a murder victim's body


"Peanut Man, don't be kind!"
she prays
"If you have cut and pasted words
into the mouth of my son,
please delete them."

"I would rather go on as I have
in the great silence
than be subject to empty shells
from Pappy's Peanut Stand."


Pointing to the driftwood


Upon the everflowing waters
Of my love for my children
I have cast my presents and letters
Today they washed ashore in my mailbox
With an epistle from the social worker
"..the Department is not trying to prevent the children from contacting you .the children still refuse communication with you.."

"Go ahead, keep trying," some friends have said
Others ask why bother

For the same reason that people leave offerings at a gravesite
Or letters at the Vietnam Memorial
Or messages in bottles
They want to forge a link with their dead even if no response is possible
My dead are still alive and deign to give no answer
but

I am not silenced.

I will continue to send the gifts and missives
Knowing that they will boomerang
Because some day
Edwin and Alisa may come to me and ask Mom how hard did you try
And I will point to the driftwood as my answer


Gulf Coast sand

Ye cain't shake the Guff Coast sand from between yer toes, Kat,"
said Pappy in his official capacity as Colorful Local Character


from the soles of my tennis shoes
I shook the red dust of the Heart of Dixie along with the sand

but a few sugary grains fell into my heart
around them growing a pearl of memories and regrets

in its milky depths I see the southward flight of my children
borne aloft by the screaming of ill-chosen words in a flashpoint of anger

I see my unwise turn at a fateful crossroads of decision
and the ground-zero alienation

courtesy of Gran, Pee Paw, and the good ol' boy legal system
I want to sniff the tangy salt breeze from the cobalt Gulf

before the muddy Monongahela
stings me back to reality

I want to watch the gulls swooping across the estuaries
instead of pigeons pooping in Market Square

I want to feel the pain/pleasure clicking of my psychological Geiger counter
as I drive past the radioactive no man's land where Edwin and Alisa live

I want to haunt Wal-Mart, Winn Dixie, and Foley Library
hoping for a glimpse of them

I want to "do it on the line" at the Flora-Bama
with Pappy and Bobbi

and watch the waves slap the impudently outthrust pinky finger
of Alabama Point

I need...
to check in with Vince and Ken, my mentors

who helped me return to school
to visit the ladies at the gift shop of Lambert's Cafe

to cry on the shoulders of my former instructors
and bless all the folks who became my extended Dixie family

after the defection of my children
Pappy was right

I'll never wash the 'Bama Gulf Coast sand
from between my toes

or dislodge the memory pearl from my heart
..and I don't want to


Kathy Egan is a 47-year-old woman from Pittsburgh, PA, caught up in a private family tragedy that serves as inspiration for her poetry. You can write to her at e__5@hotmail.com

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