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I. Frost's Selected Quotations
Everything at Amazon by and about: Conan O'BrienIf you can laugh at yourself loud and hard every time you fall, people will think you're drunk Early on, they were timing my contract with an egg timer. I think Eminem should take relax a little. I mean, my mom's a bitch too, but I don't sing songs about it. If life gives you lemons, make some kind of fruity juice. In a prime-time address, President Bush said he backed limited federal funding for stem cell research. That's right, the President said, this is a quote, the research could help cure brain diseases like Alzheimer's, Parkinson's, and whatever it is I have. The last telegram sent from the Titanic was recently auctioned off. It said,' Help-they won't stop playing Celine Dion's Titanic song!' And then everyone killed themselves Apparently the new high-tech Star Wars toys will be in stores any day now. The toys can talk and are interactive, so they can be easily distinguished from Star Wars fans. All I ever wanted was a Barbie Dream House...a place that I could call my own, for me to share my joys and dreams with Barbie. That's when I heard it -- those four words that would haunt me for the rest of my days: IT'S NOT FOR BOYS Bob Dole is going to be appearing in a Pepsi commercial with Britney Spears. Yeah, apparently Dole says that if this doesn't cure his erectile dysfunction, nothing will. All this horseback riding has made me hungry, but not for food! Earlier today, Arnold Schwarzenegger criticized the California school system, calling it disastrous. Arnold says California's schools are so bad that its graduates are willing to vote for me. I gotta hire someone to have a real fight on my behalf so I can have manly stories. All mine involve trips to the Botanical Gardens gone horribly awry. A daisy hit me! In Cleveland there is legislation moving forward to ban people from wearing pants that fit too low. However, there is lots of opposition from the plumber' union. Michael Jackson won 'Best Male Artist' in the MTV European Music Awards.... Apparently, Europe's definition of male is much more lenient than ours In New York, we had primary elections for mayor. To improve their chances, all five candidates changed their name to Rudy Giuliani. 'I'm sensitive in the eyeball'. Does that line work with the ladies? In West Virginia yesterday, a man was arrested for stealing several blow-up dolls. Reportedly, police didn't have any trouble catching the man because he was completely out of breath. Yesterday in Queens, a priest was arrested on charges of cocaine possession. People got suspicious after his seven-hour sermon entitled 'Why I Am So Cool Playboy magazine announced that they are going to support the troops by sending them emails from Playboy playmates. After hearing this the U.S. troops said 'Just our luck, we get emails from playmates, but we're embedded with Geraldo.' I could listen to Gandhi say, "Oh, snap!" for hours. President Bush left for Canada today to attend a trade summit. Reportedly, the trade summit got off to an awkward start when the president pulled out his baseball cards. Now, I am fascinated by celebrities. I mean, they're smart, they're good-looking, they're successful... Sometimes all three, mama! John Travolta said he sometimes lets his friends take control of his airplane even though they don't know what they're doing. Then Travolta said he often does the same thing with his career. Most people think we tape this show at 12:30. At 12:30 I'm at home watching porno Michael Jackson was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. It caused quite a controversy, because his nose isn't eligible for another fifteen years. Yesterday in Connecticut, a former priest performed n exorcism on a ten-year-old boy. After the devil was successfully exorsized from the boy, she returned to co-hosting her show with Regis Officials at the White House are saying that President Bush hasn't changed his schedule much since the war started. The main difference, they say, is that he's started watching the news and taping Sponge Bob. Jay says, 'Stay tuned for Conan' and then Conan comes crashing through you TV set like a freight train bringing the funny Tom Cruise's attorney said he is going to sue anyone who claims he is gay. In a related story, Ricky Martin's attorney has been hospitalized for exhaustion. It's your first month at college and you haven't made any friends. Well, learn from my experience. You won't. Ever. You'll walk the earth a sad, lonely, red-headed freak. Then one day, inexplicably, you'll be given a TV show. Then people will have to talk to you. So hang in there Vanity Fair magazine reports that former President Clinton and Al Gore haven't spoken to each other since George W. Bush's inauguration. Not only that, Bill and his wife, Hillary, haven't spoken since Richard Nixon's inauguration. I've always believed, in my heart of hearts, that it would be a better show if, when I crossed over to the desk, the band kept playing for an hour and I danced in a cage President Clinton signed a $10 million deal to write a book by 2003. Isn't that amazing? Yes, and get this, not only that, President Bush signed a $10 million deal to read a book by 2003. The next time you get your kids in the car turn off the radio and tune into them. I think you just might find that your kids are boring as hell. They got nothing to say, I mean they're kids! Then turn that radio back on, pump up the volume and know that you're not missing a damn thing! The Defense Department said that troops in Afghanistan discovered several tapes of Osama bin Laden speaking with his followers. And if you order the whole set right now, they'll throw in "The Taliban's Wet 'n' Wild Spring Break." When all else fails, there's always delusion The U.S. army confirmed that it gave a lucrative fire fighting contract in Iraq to the firm once run by the Vice President Dick Cheney without any competitive bidding. When asked if this could be conceived as Cheney's friends profiting from the war, the spokesman said 'Yes.' Once an old person finds a grape, all their bitterness about World War II goes away Yesterday, Arnold Schwarzenegger announced he would run for governor of California. The announcement was good news for Florida residents who now live in the second flakiest state in the country. Early: crap. Late: good. That's our motto here at Late Night Republicans have called for a National African-American Museum. The plan is being held up by finding a location that isn't in their neighborhood. I would be suspicious of someone like me Scientist announced a device that can be placed in a pacemaker and will call your doctor whenever you are having heart trouble. When told about it, Dick Cheney said, "I can't afford those kind of phone bills." The price of Prozac went up 50 percent last year. When Prozac users were asked about it, they said, 'Whatever The nightmare is that you spend the rest of your life being funny at parties, then people ask you: Why didn't you do that on television? Pamela Anderson Lee released a statement confirming that she has had her breast implants removed. Doctors say that Pamela is doing fine and that her old implants are now dating Charlie Sheen. Computer genius and billionaire Bill Gates' wife is pregnant. Gates explained, 'Don't let the name Microsoft fool you CBS news anchor Dan Rather has interviewed Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein. When asked what it was like to talk to a crazy man, Saddam said, 'It's not so bad.' In the upcomming movie planet of the Apes,they edited out a sex scene between a man and a chimp,[true story]but that scene wil be shown in the upincomming documentry,'the Michael Jackson story' A public relations firm said that rock star David Lee Roth owes them over $110,000. The strange thing is that it's the first time that David Lee Roth has had any publicity in ten years. Scientists have discovered a Chinese herb that cures alcoholism in hamsters. They're hoping that it will cut down on the number of accidents they have on that little wheel Well, I guess that we all learned a lesson today. That it's what's inside a person that counts. And that on the inside, midgets are thieving little bastards Scientists announced that they have located the gene for alcoholism. Scientists say they found it at a party, talking way too loudly. American and British troops handed out food to hundreds of Iraqis. Not surprisingly, Iraqis handed the British food back. You catch you child swearing. Do you wash his mouth out with soap? Or do you sit him down and explain that he'd better not fucking do it again? I think you know what to do Apparently Arnold was inspired by President Bush, who proved you can be a successful politician in this country even if English is your second language. Several hard-core Star Wars fans who had tickets for the first showing actually said that when the movie finally began, they started crying. Mainly because they realized that it's 22 years later, and they still haven't lost their virginity. We will no longer have bad any bad comedy on this show. Isn't that right, Cactus-chef playing 'We Didn't Start the Fire' on the flute? The Canadian government continues to say they will not help us if we go to war with Iraq. However, the prime minister of Canada said he'd like to help, but he's pretty sure that last time he checked, Canada had no army. 7
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