I. Frost's Selected Quotations

Everything at Amazon by and about: Frasier

I have no sense of decency. That way my other senses are enhanced.
Bulldog

When I die, I want it to be on my 100th birthday, in my beach house on Maui, and I want my husband to be so upset he has to drop out of college
Roz

I have a session with my multiple personality. Not to worry - if I'm late he can just talk amongst himself.
Niles

Brian has been a dutiful suitor for some time, and I'm convinced to within an acceptable margin of error that he loves me.
Lilith

I'm not chicken. I'm just really hesitant.
Frasier

This has been delightful, but I really must run. I'm due at my sexual addiction group, and I don't like to leave them alone for too long.
Niles

Niles: Are you quite finished undressing him with your eyes?
Roz: Oh please, I'm already looking for my stockings and trying to remember where I parked my car.

Say, funny thing happened the other day. One of my patients had a rather amusing Freudian slip. He was having dinner with his wife, and he meant to say "pass the salt," but instead he said "You've ruined my life, you blood-sucking shrew."
Niles

It's over! Sing, fat lady, sing!
Frasier

Niles, you're forgetting. I married Lilith, I can live with anything.
Frasier

Frasier: Don't you believe in second chances?
Martin: I did. Then we had Niles.

Madeline: When I come back, I'll make you forget you were ever married to Lilith!
Frasier: That's never happened before without a prescription!

You do learn something about a woman when you've slept in a room next to hers for fifteen years
Niles

Remember my friend, Rowena ? She's much prettier since her surgery. You look at her face and you can't even tell where it used to be.
Daphne

I saw a twinkle in her eye I have not seen since the neighbor children discovered our electric fence
Niles

I once had three dates on a single Saturday and still had time to defrost my refrigerator and rotate my tires
Roz

Niles, owning the CD of "Ella Sings Gershwin" does not qualify you as a soul brother.
Frasier

Frasier: So are you suggesting that I go along and pretend I'm enjoying myself in something that gives me no pleasure at all just to hear the words I love you?
Daphne: Why not? Women have been doing it for centuries.

I hate lawyers, too, Frasier, but they do make wonderful patients. They have excellent health insurance, and they never get better
Niles

I have to go. I'm conducting a seminar in multiple personality disorders, and it takes me forever to fill out the nametags
Niles

Frasier: Where was I?
Niles: You were last seen climbing Mount Ego.

Martin: I call him 'Eddie Spaghetti’.
Daphne: Oh, he likes pasta?
Martin: No, he has worms.

Hey, love hurts, Roz. And I'm not talking about the time we fell off the kitchen table.
Bulldog

Frasier, if you overanalyze every detail you will rob us of the joy of the moment. It will be our wedding night all over again.
Lilith

There's nothing wrong with Maris that wouldn't be cured by a little sun, some exercise, and a personality
Frasier

[to his beer] Well, hello there. Will you be my Ballantine?
Martin

... And though washing one's hands 20 to 30 times a day would be considered obsessive-compulsive, please bear in mind that your husband is a coroner.
Frasier

Ministers aren't celibate, are they ? Not that I don't love a challenge
Roz

I used to think there was some sort of mix-up at the hospital when Frasier was born. Of course, when Niles came along, it shot that theory all to hell
Martin

At least I can take comfort in the fact that without embarrassing parents, there'd be no psychology
Frasier

Her lips were saying "no," but her eyes were saying, "read my lips"
Niles

That was either a very large twitch or a very small seizure.
Daphne

Lorna: I had a wonderful time last night.
Frasier: Me too. It's like being back in high school, but with sex.

Yes, and I'd love to stay but I... have my therapy group meeting, and last time I was late the, er, compulsive gamblers were betting the passive aggressive that they couldn't make the over-eaters cry
Niles

Cupid and his arrow have declared me an endangered species
Frasier

There's a cute new handyman in my building. I thought I'd just go home, slip into my negligee, and rip out my faucet
Roz

You don't understand. It's not the same as Dad being wrong, or your being wrong. I have a degree from Harvard. Whenever I'm wrong, the world makes a little less sense.
Frasier

Frasier: That's my brother, Niles. He's a little... how would you describe Niles, Dad?
Martin: I usually just change the subject.

I'm here for a convention and I happened to hear your voice on the radio. I kept hoping you'd introduce Pearl Jam's latest hit, but much to my chagrin, you were doling out worthless little advice pellets from your psychiatric pez dispenser.
Lilith

I was not as careless as it seems. After all, a real child would have cried before it burst into flames!
Niles

Oh, what do I ever say? "You're in denial, seek help," blah blah blah
Frasier

Sex. That's your answer for everything. It's like you're part rabbit. People ought to rub your feet for luck.
Daphne

Frasier, talking on the phone: Hello? Yes, Lilith...yes, Lilith...yes, Lilith...
Martin: Gee, it's like they're still married.

I have a session with my multiple personality. Not to worry - if I'm late he can just talk amongst himself.
Niles

How can we possibly USE sex to get what we want? Sex IS what we want
Frasier

Roz, I'm going to tell you something that I didn't learn until I became a father. You don't just love your children. You fall in love with them.
Frasier

I have no sense of decency. That way my other senses are enhanced.
Bulldog

And in closing, this goes out to Keith, the narcolectic I spoke to a bit earlier. I'd be glad to resume when you feel a bit more alert. But, in the meantime I suggest you reconsider applying for that traffic control position
Frasier

When I die, I want it to be on my 100th birthday, in my beach house on Maui, and I want my husband to be so upset he has to drop out of college
Roz

The way things are going, I don't think I'm going to have children. Just let me dress up the dog.
Daphne

I like your self-assurance. There's no greater aphrodisiac than confidence
Frasier

I think I'd like to go home now and hold my wife. That is, if she'll let me.
Niles

Brian has been a dutiful suitor for some time, and I'm convinced to within an acceptable margin of error that he loves me.
Lilith

I have to go. I'm conducting a seminar in multiple personality disorders, and it takes me forever to fill out the nametags
Niles

I'm not chicken. I'm just really hesitant.
Frasier

This has been delightful, but I really must run. I'm due at my sexual addiction group, and I don't like to leave them alone for too long.
Niles

Niles: Are you quite finished undressing him with your eyes?
Roz: Oh please, I'm already looking for my stockings and trying to remember where I parked my car.

Oh Niles, I haven't got time to sit here and listen to your insanity. I've got to go steal a get-well card from a kidney patient
Frasier

Roz: Do I look slutty?
Bulldog: If you're fishing for compliments, yeah, you look slutty.

I do. I like her from a distance. You know, the way you like the sun. Maris is like the sun. Except without the warmth.
Frasier

Say, funny thing happened the other day. One of my patients had a rather amusing Freudian slip. He was having dinner with his wife, and he meant to say "pass the salt," but instead he said "You've ruined my life, you blood-sucking shrew."
Niles

Martin: I call him 'Eddie Spaghetti.
Daphne: Oh, he likes pasta?
Martin: No, he has worms.

Hey, love hurts, Roz. And I'm not talking about the time we fell off the kitchen table.
Bulldog

Frasier, if you overanalyze every detail you will rob us of the joy of the moment. It will be our wedding night all over again.
Lilith

There's nothing wrong with Maris that wouldn't be cured by a little sun, some exercise, and a personality
Frasier

May your opera box be full of cellophane crinklers and a stage swarming with stand-bys
Niles

Niles: Frasier, do you remember the time the Kreizel brothers tied me to their Great Dane and lobbed meatballs down their gravel driveway?
Frasier: I told you Niles, I would have helped you, but their sister was holding me down.

We all have to remind Dr Crane that this is real psychology now, not the radio. No hanging up on the hard ones here!
Niles

[to his beer] Well, hello there. Will you be my Ballantine?
Martin

I hate lawyers, too, Frasier, but they do make wonderful patients. They have excellent health insurance, and they never get better
Niles

Roz: Forget it, Bulldog, she'd have you for breakfast.
Bulldog: Right, like I ever stick around that long.

Then came Lilith, and if I knew then what I know now, I would have walked down the aisle with the ice sculpture and had her stand by the buffet table to keep the shrimp cold.
Frasier

Frasier: Where was I?
Niles: You were last seen climbing Mount Ego.

... And though washing one's hands 20 to 30 times a day would be considered obsessive-compulsive, please bear in mind that your husband is a coroner. Thank you for your call, Janine.
Frasier

I am so tired of your exaggeration! You always make things 50,000 times worse than they are!
Frasier

Ministers aren't celibate, are they? Not that I don't love a challenge
Roz

Niles, you're forgetting. I married Lilith, I can live with anything.
Frasier

Frasier: Don't you believe in second chances?
Martin: I did. Then we had Niles.

Life with Maris wasn't so bad. It was my fault after all. I was too rigid! I was always making demands. "Eat something! Unlock this door! Don't throw that!"
Niles

Everything was going great, until I said "I love you, Ben"... then he got this look on his face, like he'd taken a wrong turn in a really bad neighbourhood
Roz

Madeline: When I come back, I'll make you forget you were ever married to Lilith!
Frasier: That's never happened before without a prescription!

I can't believe she could have planned this. You do learn something about a woman when you've slept in a room next to hers for fifteen years
Niles

Now, I'm supposed to put up with in-laws and I don't have a husband? That's like posing nude for your art teacher and still flunking the course! Shut up, I needed the credits.
Roz

Remember my friend, Rowena? She's much prettier since her surgery. You look at her face and you can't even tell where it used to be.
Daphne

Frasier: I do not have a fat face.
Niles: Oh, please. I keep wondering how long you're going to store those nuts for winter.

I saw a twinkle in her eye I have not seen since the neighbour children discovered our electric fence
Niles

I once had three dates on a single Saturday and still had time to defrost my refrigerator and rotate my tires
Roz

Niles, owning the CD of "Ella Sings Gershwin" does not qualify you as a soul brother.
Frasier

Frasier: So are you suggesting that I go along and pretend I'm enjoying myself in something that gives me no pleasure at all just to hear the words I love you?
Daphne: Why not? Women have been doing it for centuries.

She's lying down on all the coats in the bedroom. Maris tires easily under the pressure of being interesting
Niles

Frasier: Roz, you've broken up with a lot of people, what do you say to them?
Roz: I love you and I want to have your baby.

I'd like a petit filet mignon, very lean. Not so lean that it lacks flavour, but not so fat that it leaves drippings on the plate. And I don't want it cooked, only just lightly seared on either side. Pink in the middle, not a true pink, but not a mauve either -- something in between. Bearing in mind, the slightest error either way, and it's ruined.
Niles

All right, Eddie. Let's go sign nature's guest book.
Martin

Frasier: I filled in for you when you were too sick to meet with your "Fear of Intimacy" group!
Niles: I wasn't sick. They were just getting too close.

I had a similar experience when I was sixteen with an older woman who introduced me to the mysteries of love. Of course she was a hooker. Hey, it was a birthday present from my dad, okay? You wanna know the ironic thing, doc? All I wanted was a bike!
Bulldog

You'll see who feels foolish when I'm sitting on a mechanical bull sipping champagne
Niles

It's over! Sing, fat lady, sing!
Frasier

I'm a resident alien here from England - you know, the country that used to own you people.
Daphne

Frasier: Look, frankly, I wish you'd start seeing someone about this bug phobia of yours.
Niles: It is not a phobia. I have a healthy fear of our natural predators. It's us versus them and frankly I'm starting to wonder just whose side you're on.

Even the best birth control method is only effective 99 out of 100 times. I can't beat those odds!
Roz

Last night I actually had a dream that my flour sack was abducted, and kidnappers started sending me muffins in the mail.
Niles

If you sit him next to the telly, channel five comes in a lot clearer!
Daphne

Frasier: Niles, you're a good brother and a credit to the psychiatric profession.
Niles: You're a good brother too

Oh, for goodness sake, Frasier! I'm a happily married man! Maris means the world to me. Why, just the other day I kissed her for no reason whatsoever
Niles

If you want to know if a man is cheating, you offer him two choices for dinner. One that's rich and fattening, and one that's light and sensible. If he picks the one that's calorie-packed, he doesn't mind turning into a bloated pig, which means he's happily married and you're in the clear. If he picks the diet plate, it means he's staying in shape for his main squeeze, and you should get yourself a lawyer who can sue the sweat off a racehorse.
Roz

Daphne: Feeling a bit lonely are we?
Niles: Only when I'm by myself or when I'm with other people

Ironic, isn't it. No sooner do I get the closet of my dreams than my husband comes out of it.
Lilith

That's strange. I usually get some sign when Lilith is in town - dogs forming into packs, blood weeping down the walls...
Niles

Oh great, my kids are having plastic surgery. That's a nice age to get to.
Martin

I'll never forget you, Sandy. Linda? I thought I was talking to your sister. Oh well, tell her same goes.
Bulldog

Frasier: Niles, I would shave my head for you.
Niles: A gesture that grows less significant with each passing year.

Daphne: I'm feeling a bit blue about my love life.
Frasier: Really? Have you been seeing a man?
Daphne: Only when I close my eyes and concentrate.

How could she like him? The man has "community college" written all over him!
Niles

It wasn't that Gary was bad in bed. He knew where all the parts were. Unfortunately, most of them were his. Yes, totally passionless. It was like he was thinking of someone else. I know I was.
Roz

One hour of passion can sustain her for months. She stores it up like some sexual camel
Niles