I. Frost's Selected Quotations

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Adults ask questions as a child does. When you stop wondering, you might as well put your rocker on the front porch and call it a day
Johnny Carson

Never continue in a job you don't enjoy. If you're happy in what you're doing, you'll like yourself, you'll have inner peace. And if you have that, along with physical health, you will have had more success than you could possibly have imagined
Johnny Carson

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas
Johnny Carson

The difference between a divorce and a legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money
Johnny Carson

I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself
Johnny Carson

Nancy Reagan fell down and broke her hair
Johnny Carson

What's all this fuss about plutonium? How can something named after a Disney character be dangerous?
Johnny Carson

Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die
Johnny Carson

Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill
Johnny Carson

He's so fat, he can be his own running mate.
Johnny Carson

The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money
Johnny Carson

I know you've been married to the same woman for 69 years. That is marvelous. It must be very inexpensive.
Johnny Carson

They say atomic radiation can hurt your reproductive organs. My answer is so can a hockey stick. But we don't stop building them
Johnny Carson

People will pay more to be entertained than educated.
Johnny Carson

I still, believe it or not, have dreams in which I am late for The Tonight Show . It's a performer's nightmare, apparently. I've checked with other people, and it occurs to them frequently. And it's frightening. Because I'm not prepared. It's show time and I'm going on - and I've got nothing to say
Johnny Carson

Happiness is sitting down to watch slides of your neighbor's vacation and finding out he spent two weeks at a nudist colony
Johnny Carson

Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president
Johnny Carson

Only lie about the future
Johnny Carson

Talent alone won't make you a success. Neither will being in the right place at the right time, unless you are ready. The most important question is: "Are your ready?"
Johnny Carson

I told my wife there was a chance that radiation might hurt my reproductive organs but she said in her opinion it's a small price to pay
Johnny Carson

My success just evolved from working hard at the business at hand each day
Johnny Carson

He couldn't ad-lib a fart after a baked-bean dinner
Johnny Carson

In matrimony, to hesitate is sometimes to be saved
Johnny Carson

The price of Christmas toys is outrageous -- a hundred dollars, two hundred dollars for video games for the youngsters. I remember a Christmas years ago when my son was a kid. I bought him a tank. It was about a hundred dollars, a lot of money in those days. It was the kind of tank you could actually get inside and ride in.He played in the box it came in. It taught me a very valuable lesson. Next year he got a box. And I got a hundred dollars' worth of scotch.
Johnny Carson

I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing
Johnny Carson

When turkeys mate they think of swans
Johnny Carson

New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time, most unsolved
Johnny Carson

The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other
Johnny Carson

If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners
Johnny Carson

Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place
Johnny Carson

If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam
Johnny Carson