I. Frost's Selected Quotations

Everything at Amazon by and about: Woody Allen

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
Woody Allen

In my family, the biggest sin was to buy retail.
Woody Allen

More than any time in history mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
Woody Allen

The good people sleep much better at night than the bad people. Of course, the bad people enjoy the waking hours much more.
Woody Allen

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?
Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?
Woody Allen

I think you should defend to the death their right to march, and then go down and meet them with baseball bats.
Woody Allen , on the KKK

Don't knock masturbation -- it's sex with someone I love.
Woody Allen

Love is the answer, but while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.
Woody Allen

Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.
Woody Allen

Sex without love is an empty experience, but, as empty experiences go, it's one of the best.
Woody Allen

I took a speed reading course and read 'war and peace' in twenty minutes. IT involves Russia.
Woody Allen

Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.
Woody Allen

To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
Woody Allen

Those who can't do, teach, and those who can't tech, teach Gym.
Woody Allen

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.
Woody Allen

"My one regret in life is that I am not someone else."
Woody Allen

The prison psychiatrist asked me if I thought sex was dirty. I told him only when it's done right.
Woody Allen, Take The Money And Run

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.
Woody Allen

The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.
Woody Allen

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
Woody Allen

I do not believe in an afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
Woody Allen

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work... I want to achieve it by not dying!
Woody Allen

It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.
Woody Allen

It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen

What do I dislike about death? Must be the hours.
Woody Allen

Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.
Woody Allen "Without Feathers"

If only God would give me some clear sign!
Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"

The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.
Woody Allen, quoted in "New York Tribune", 1975

At the opera in Milan with my daughter and me, Needleman leaned out of his box and fell into the orchestra pit. Too proud to admit it was a mistake, he attended the opera every night for a month and repeated it each time.
Woody Allen, "Side Effects" 1981

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.
Woody Allen

More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction.
Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
Woody Allen

I am at two with nature.
Woody Allen

Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought - particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.
Woody Allen

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick - not wounded - dead.
Woody Allen

Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.
Woody Allen

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
Woody Allen

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
Woody Allen

No matter how cynical you are, you can't keep up.
Woody Allen

"Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful, provided you can get between the right man and the right woman." Woody Allen

At the moment it's just a Notion, but with a bit of backing I think I could turn it into Concept, and then an Idea.
Woody Allen

Being bisexual doubles your chance of a date on Saturday night.
Woody Allen

Capital punishment would be more effective as a preventive measure if it were administered prior to the crime.
Woody Allen

Eighty percent of success is showing up.
Woody Allen

In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.
Woody Allen

I had a mad impulse to throw you down on the lunar surface and commit interstellar perversion with you.
Woody Allen

I've never been an intellectual but I have this look.
Woody Allen

If you don't fail now and again, it's a sign you're playing it safe.
Woody Allen

It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.
Woody Allen

It is no secret that organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year. This is quite a profitable sum, especially when one considers that the Mafia spends very little for office supplies.
Woody Allen

Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.
Woody Allen

Sex between 2 people is a beautiful thing; between 5 it's fantastic...
Woody Allen

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Woody Allen

When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
Woody Allen
What do I dislike about death? Must be the hours.
Woody Allen

Why are our days numbered and not, say lettered?
Woody Allen

That (sex) was the most fun I ever had without laughing.
Woody Allen

My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty.
Woody Allen

I'm such a good lover because I practise a lot on my own.
Woody Allen

The food in this place is really terrible. Yes, and such small portions. That's essentially how I feel about life.
Woody Allen

And if it turns out that there is a God, I don't believe that he is evil. The worst that can be said is that he's an underachiever.
Woody Allen

I'm short enough and ugly enough to succeed on my own.
Woody Allen

I'm really a timid person - I was beaten up by Quakers.
Woody Allen

My brain - it's my second favorite organ.
Woody Allen

My parents were very old world. They come from Brooklyn, which is the heart of the Old World. Their values in life are God and carpeting.
Woody Allen

I am an only child. I have one sister.
Woody Allen

A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to sleep with me and she said 'no'.
Woody Allen

Some guy hit my fender the other day, and I said unto him 'Be fruitful, and multiply.' But not in those words.
Woody Allen

I wanted to be an arch-criminal as a child, before I discovered I was too short.
Woody Allen

I asked the girl if she could bring a sister for me. She did. Sister Maria Teresa. It was a very slow evening. We discussed the New Testament. We agreed that He was very well adjusted for an only child.
Woody Allen

Death is an acquired trait.
Woody Allen

I recently turned sixty. Practically a third of my life is over.
Woody Allen

My problems all started with my early education. I went to a school for mentally disturbed teachers.
Woody Allen

Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have you declared legally insane in order to gain control of your estate.
Woody Allen

How can I believe in God when only last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
Woody Allen

I sold the memoirs of my sex life to a publisher - they are going to make a board game out of it.
Woody Allen

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in my bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.
Woody Allen

If there is reincarnation, I'd like to come back as Warren Beatty's fingertips.
Woody Allen

The only time my wife and I had a simultaneous orgasm was when the judge signed the divorce papers.
Woody Allen

I do not believe in an after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
Woody Allen

If you want to make God laugh, tell him your future plans.
Woody Allen

94.5% of all statistics are made up.
Woody Allen

Why ruin a good story with the truth?
Woody Allen

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
Woody Allen

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
Woody Allen

I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.
Woody Allen

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.
Woody Allen

I feel that life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. That's the two categories. The horrible be like, I don't know, terminal cases, you know, and blind people, crippled. I don't know how they get through life. It's amazing to me. And the miserable is everyone else. So you should be thankful that you're miserable, because that's very lucky, to be miserable.
Woody Allen

If Jesus Christ came back today and saw what was being done in his name, he'd never stop throwing up.
Woody Allen

I know exactly what I think about all this, but I can never find words to put it in. Maybe if I get a little drunk I could dance it for you.
Woody Allen

She was so sweet and we just walked in the park and I was so touched by her that, after fifteen minutes, I wanted to marry her and, after half an hour, I completely gave up the idea of snatching her purse.
Woody Allen

As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
Woody Allen
Eternal nothingness is OK if you're dressed for it.
Woody Allen

The thing to remember is that each time of life has its appropriate rewards, whereas when you're dead it's hard to find the light switch.
Woody Allen

The chief problem about death, incidentally, is the fear that there may be no afterlife - a depressing thought, particularly for those who have bothered to shave.
Woody Allen

Also, there is the fear that there is an afterlife but no one will know where it's being held..
Woody Allen

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
Woody Allen

In my family, the biggest sin was to buy retail.
Woody Allen

The good people sleep much better at night than the bad people. Of course, the bad people enjoy the waking hours much more.
Woody Allen

I think you should defend to the death their right to march, and then go down and meet them with baseball bats.
Woody Allen , on the KKK

Don't knock masturbation - it's sex with someone I love.
Woody Allen

Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.
Woody Allen

Sex without love is an empty experience, but, as empty experiences go, it's one of the best.
Woody Allen

I took a speed reading course and read 'war and peace' in twenty minutes. IT involves Russia.
Woody Allen

Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.
Woody Allen

To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
Woody Allen

Those who can't do, teach, and those who can't tech, teach Gym.
Woody Allen

"My one regret in life is that I am not someone else."
Woody Allen

The prison psychiatrist asked me if I thought sex was dirty. I told him only when it's done right.
Woody Allen, Take The Money And Run

It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen